There was a pool of blood on my desk and we still don't know who it belongs to. missed a good party, man.
i opened her purse and found 4 bottles of vodka tampons and an unopened box of birth control...
there's nothing like that first "just failed out of my program" beer
I found a map from his room to his bathroom this morning in my purse. Apparently I was too fucked up to get there without one.
theyll ask where you are and ill say on a date crying in a sombrero
like that time i did too much ghb at gay pride
Yeah he's definitely gonna feel that one when he wakes up. I beat the shit out of him with that broom handle.
I have to date her. We need a place to stay when we go tailgating.
Think I pulled my pelvic muscle.
I think I pulled my ashamed of myself muscle.
Sent him a picture of my pregnant boobs from last year, think he'll notice the difference?
He said I could liberate his beef and all I could think about was how I don't eat veal for political reasons.
Then you better bring Starbucks and a box of condoms in the morning.
Oh shit. This is getting real.
By the end of the first quarter he was so hammered he was pouring beer into the crockpot with the miniature hot dogs and BBQ sauce saying he loved the supper bowl and he loves taking mini weinies to the face
Celebrating landing my dream job by watching zombie movies and drinking free booze in the bath. I'm like 90% sure I just won life.
You just kept screaming "PLEASE YELL CORNDOG AT HIM. PLEASE. CORNDOG."
So it turns out high me is very efficient. I set 5 alarms to remind me to do things, i made mac and cheese, and i wrote a poem. I'm going places.
Randomize
