I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
I don't know who he was, where he came from, or where he went, but he just handed me a bowl of mac and cheese and left. It was good too.
No, no, no. Fuck you. I took a glass blowing class solely to learn how to make that bong. You shattered it and my dreams in a matter of five seconds.
Hahhaha I literally just rolled outta bed and went to get beer in my pj's and slippers. God I love graduating
cashier rang me up and said, "white people are funny." like i'm NOT the only white person to buy just lettuce & 40 glow sticks
I'm sorry I compared your vagina to nascar
I know and I love you for your valets putting your thong on your seat
You rang?
Saw a ginger and the first thing I thought of doing was yelling "you have no soul!" so I called you so we can yell it together with you on speakerphone.
It's not really the holidays until I raid the medicine cabinet. Happy hydrocodone to me
And a merry methadone to all
Fucking in bar bathrooms doesn't count as "rushing things"
Young lesbians are the worst. And also what got me through high school, sooooo
You have ruined sex with him for me. Now all I think is "boy scout" and I want to go home
Spending the night with him made me realize that stupid people both irritate and fascinate me, so I'd say it equaled itself out.
I'm thinking my boss switched to all cordless keyboards and mouses so that none of us would hang ourselves in the office.
Why is there a pair of panties on my front lawn?
Randomize
