Making out with married ex girlfriends: priceless
It's too hard to jack off and hold an ipad at the same time
Sorry I was drunk and left blood all over your back seat I was pretending to be in private Rayan and used your thong as a bandage
Dude in front of me just jumped out of line at Starbucks to go puke. Vegas in prime form.
There's a person in my phone named motor boat. I love making new friends.
I just smoked weed out of a baked potato.
You rock my world.
Directions to your booty call: go down the part of Route 66 that has all the car dealerships, motels and bad decisions, go past the Christian college and turn left at the Children's Center.
I have lots of feelings today, but drunk is my favorite.
i think ive crossed the line from sexually frustrated to sexually furious
Is there a word in the English dictionary for impressed, yet disgusted?
I think the word you're looking for is flabbergasted.
At leat we can cross off 'having sex in a classroom' on our bucket list.
You've slept with someone mentioned in the NY Times, that officially makes you the most famous person I know.
just put a ruler in a cup trying to measure how much ivve had to drink..... God help me
The sad moment you remember you have no power for a week and can't flush.....
Wrong number bro but that sounds like a damn shame.
The best thing about last night is when drunk Lauren asked cop if she could smoke a joint in front of him. And next thing I remember she’s smoking weed with a cop. How awesome is that.
Randomize
