guys don't fucking realize that the only place girl like their faces jizzed on is in PORN, and that "squirting" is piss. JUST FUCKING PISS.
Haha, bad night?
what you doin?
I just woke up vomited poured myself a chocolate milk and turned on the peoples court. you?
reread what you just wrote and reconsider your entire life
I pulled down his boxers and a 20 dollar bill fell out. I'm telling you, the blowjob fairy EXISTS
Dude you should see the looks were getting for ordering a pitcher of beer with breakfast.
just as they were cutting his pants off he made em stop & said "everyone knows about shrinkage right".
I will also be strapping forties to the puppies.
My roommate took my designated hickey removing spoon out of the freezer.
Oh just chilling alone with a stranger baby while everyone else clambakes the bathroom. Probation is the reason there is bad things in the world.
If I was 5 years younger and single...
She STILL wouldn't fuck you.
HE'S BRINGING FRIED MAC AND CHEESE BITES. I GET FRIED MAC AND CHEESE AND SEX PEOPLE. BEST WEDNESDAY EVER.
Pretty good. They took the stitches out but it still hurts like a bitch. The doctor says I should be off crutches by next week.
Well, that's good. Let's hope drunk you doesn't sabotage you.
She made me walk a straight line to prove i was sober enough to help carry you to the car
Knowing you it was perfect out of spite. Like. A line straighter than YOU
just because you have a nice tits it doesn't make you a magic little snowflake.
well whats the tarot card for I'm totes going to be schlobbing his cob? because that's in his future.
wheres my face? and why is my pocket so big?
Randomize