Ive either hit rock bottom or become my own hero.
I'm telling people I'm celibate. It sounds cooler when it's by choice.
every time you want to hook up with a guy who has a girl friend, i'll just give you a freshman
What's bad is when she said "what hobo did you steal this dick from?"
Just considered the plausability of using my detachable showerhead as a beer bong. Has my life really devolved to this?
Why doesn't he get that I would rather give him blow jobs than be in a relationship?
Dude you missed it. This guy in the liquor store knocked over a whole display of 5 hour energy with his face.
I was trying to chase her off the carpet, but now there are figure-eights of cat vomit. everywhere
Having to grow a landing strip to cover the bruises from pole dancing. Thanks for the birthday present, but next time, maybe just a gift card?
Dude he downed 9 shots of tequila, sang bohemian rhapsody with 3 randoms Wayne's world style, solo'd closing time, chased the hot bartender's dog all the way to main, tackled him, carried him back, hot bar tender hugged AND kissed him, then he does a jumping heel click and leaps into my car through the window. Next rounds free at the yeti. Needless to say your little brother is a tequila god.
Basically.
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
We found Mulan.
I thought you were in bed what the hell
I woke up with a thorn in my belly button. A THORN!
WTF I can't even get a boyfriend here and you're getting nudes from across the country
I just found (and ate) a chunk of a reese's that fell between my boobs. Problem is that I finished those off 3 days ago in a drunk induced sob session... Has it really been that long since I changed my clothes?!
Randomize
