2:23 am: come sit on my lap i have a stick that'll keep you in place
omg. I had the wrong window open and I accidentaly posted my credit card # on twitter
Whats your twitter name
I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
but what if he tries to talk dirty to me with the lisp?
I changed the background on my phone to a picture of you so whenever I go to look at porn or text another girl I'll have second thoughts
Am I supposed to find that romantic?
i convinced her i need a blow job every morning to wake up because i have a medical condition.
Jared is "trying to bite a strangers hat off" drunk. Oh, and that stranger is a girl at a table of 5 guys, one girl.
I think the fact that I shit my pants, threw away my underwear in a frat bathroom, lost my socks down a drain in the front yard and still got laid... deserves some sort of a victory drink for myself or a blowjob for him since he was such a good sport.
I was giving a campus tour, when a drunk senior came up behind me and shouted at the group, "If Jesus ain't your homeboy - get the fuck off this campus!" Looks like his religion course is paying off...
the night probably should have been over when the guy let her fill out my mechanical bull waver for me because i couldn't read
I like to think it's an accomplishment that I can relate my life to a T-pain song
Hey, I took a sweater from your house. And, um, your little brother's virginity.
it was a hallmark card with butt plugs.
It finally happened. Some guy just tried to catfish me with my own dick pic. Of course I told him that it was the hottest dick I'd ever seen and that I would do anything for that particular dick.
Your girlfriend agreed to a threesome, I saw dogs in a bar. It seems life is falling into place for us
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