nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
Revelation of the day. Bulimia is dumb. Anorexia is easier.
You suck.
You fell asleep mid BJ last night. I put your pants back on you. My ego is pretty bruised this morning.
Caught my drug dealer jacking off. I think this is a new step in our relationship
I got to the apartment, I was handed a beer within 20 seconds, I'm glowing in the dark, there's fog everywhere, and now I'm wearing a sombrero because apparently it's silly hat night. I never want to leave.
I broke his nose at the bar and he still went home with me.
I had fun last year but I was one half of the hoe train back then. At least I'll feel better about myself as a person this year.
I'm going to miss going to the strip club though.
dude you had a hot girl interested and took shots together, as soon as it went down the hatch you upchucked on her entire existance..
successful birthday. 2012 rules
You're obviously not trying hard enough. GET LAID. Kittens die for less.
Touche salesman.
Grandma can hear your bong from the living room, please be more quiet. Love mom.
I'm getting kicked out of the place we're at. They don't like ketchup on their walls..
He held the beaver pelt from the fireplace over my crotch and asked his friend "she look familiar now?", he then remembered my name.
guys with girlfriends don't have a leg to stand on when they get mad at you for fucking other guys
Apparently karate chopping the fronts off all the paper towel and soap dispensers in the bathrooms isn't even frowned upon. Like even at the third bar when I fell flat on my back trying to jump kick the last one some guy just helped me up and high fived me. America.
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