After I made out with her she fell asleep and started pooting in her sleep. Are we sure lesbians are hot? Cause that wasn't.
I don't wanna hook up with anyone from minnesota
everybody there reminds me of mashed potatoes... white and lumpy
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
Being drunk at the hospital is better than i expected. I got to hide and play in the little kids waiting area. Btw no one is hurt
Soo time for a life change, my 6 yr old sister made my gf a puke bucket for her birthday
Do something fun then. Blow up the house or whatever.
How have you survived this long?
Dumb luck and a deal with the devil.
Just found dollar bills in my sheets. What part of the weekend am I forgetting?
So question... If I'm sexting with uncircumcised guy, do I have to add *then i gently pull your foreskin down*?
I didn't know what to do so I panicked and puked in my pillowcase with my pillow still inside.
I just ordered a onesie on amazon in the back of the ambulance while my patient was sleeping. I'm an adult
Despite breaking my phone, thumb, and my dignity, last night was pretty good.
I'm glad you found someone that both loves you and is cool doing coke off your tits. Proud of you.
what the fuck happend anyway? How did it go from smoothies after work to blacking out?
Your mom asked you why you had bite marks all over your arms and you answered her by yelling "I HAD A SIESTA!"
Talk shit all you want but with my new knife sharpener I have a lethal razor sharp pizza cutter. Fuck with me Mario I dare you!
Randomize