my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
you should buy a sheep. A) you get an awesome pet. B) free coat
Don't make me choose between a good grade and anal
is it still called a breakup if its your friends boyfriend that you have stopped sleeping with?
it is entirely possible that the police will be knocking on the door in 25 minutes
I think I was using my hair to catch my vomit last night.
You were.
just found out they live across the street from coke dealers... rethinking the new years resolution
We weren't even through customs yet, and we got offered weed. You would love Jamaica.
I sent two dick pics to a wrong number and one was in .gif format so it was helicoptering all over the place. I single handedly ruined a child's life.
Did you have ill-advised lesbian sex on the deathbed of their relationship?
Of course. Go big or go home.
You're my fucking queen.
I'm pretty sure the girl in the stall next to me is waiting on me to leave so she can poop but I'm doing the same thing so it's like a Mexican standoff
VIVE LA RESISTANCE
Oh god, what now?
So unofficially, he told me he deleted tinder because of me. I think that's a pretty romantic gesture in 2018.
You made the lady who made your cheeseburger sign the box so that when she got famous you would have her autograph.
Fun fact: You might be drunk if your vision is so blurry that you almost ask "do you know where my glasses are?" while you're wearing them.
Randomize
