Your parents are going to be so confused in the morning
More like pissed. but ill be sure to explain my pathological fear of terrorists hiding in the bathtub
I wish i could be there for it
I know i'm drunk when the "men" sign on the bathroom sounds chinese
oh my god. the driver of our party bus just said "no drugs unless you're sharin," my confidence in him is not high at the moment
he tried breathing fire using moonshine and a roman candle. would not have believed it unless i actually witnessed it.
I decided they need a food cart that just roams around the library like the cotton candy people at the circus. But with real food. like tacos cause it sounds delicious.
i told him i was allergic to semen. he pulled out an epipen.
My going away gift was all of them dancing around with solo cups on their dick and balls...these are my friends
He wanted me to blow him while he did curls and looked at himself in the mirror. Not sure if gay or ego maniac.
I mean, we were all drinking, but I'm pretty sure kidnapping came up.
at that point, I wouldn't blame you because I'd be so ashamed I couldnt even have sex with myself.
I don't care how hot he is. I will not strip for him to country music.
I just ate broccoli before drinking. Does that make me a responsible adult?
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦ðŸ¼â€â™€ï¸
Dude, I'm sorry if you saw me getting head in my truck last night. My bad.
And my butt misses you like the deserts miss the rain.
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