Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
Microwaved placenta is very unpleasant.
Don't bite the hand that gives you multiple orgasms
you know the rule: 3 consecutive asian hookups makes you an asian fetish guy, no exceptions
sex on the roof is not as easy as it sounds
All we did was argue about ponys and drug dealers
Woke up on the kitchen floor cuddling with the dummy we made of you. Hope your internship is going well.
I have reverted to folding laundry while watching porn. how much sadder can my life get?
You were dancing with a coffee pot of rum in one hand and a joint in the other. So that should explain everything.
candyland with pharmaceuticals ... what could go wrong
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
You started sleep walking, went to my closet, tried to pee on my boots, and when I asked you what you were doing you said "I'm talking to these people about jobs"
I miss using glorious as an adjective. I'm gonna start doing that again. And I'm gonna try to get cuntatrosphe in there some more, too.
You have no idea the kind of bodily contortions I had to do to access your neighbor's WIFI
Let's FaceTime each other while we shotgun beers
Randomize
