One of my residents in my hall just found my positive pregnancy test from last year I hid behind the fridge, I'm just going to tell them it was for a science project.
I drank gravy. I actually drank gravy. This is heaven.
Oh, and for future reference, telling a guy that your ass is too tight for anal is like painting a bullseye on it.
THEY ARE MY AGE. THEY ARE YOUR LITTLE SISTER'S AGE THIS IS A DELICATE MATTER. CAPS LOCK
No one will ever love me with the amount of puke on my hand
He panicked, you ducked and I was coming off a 3 day coke binge. It was no one's shining moment.
I am thinkingif I am doing snow Angels in your living room, I probably had too much to drink
The ultimate Father's Day bonding experience: Both getting bailed out of jail by mom for mooning some shithead cop.
I don't give a shit if she's homeless, if you're gunna live outside el pollo loco and act like a bitch I'm squirting you with my water bottle
Although I feel like awkward kinda describes your entire sexual history...
If we don't rescue him from the fat chick soon, she is going to eat him alive and suck the marrow from his bones.
well if they don't get here soon...no fuck it, I'm going to the strip club.
he taught all the little kids to ski. it was stupid hot. i'm pretty sure my ovaries exploded.
I'm not gonna lie, but for some reason I have this strong desire to watch porn with my pint of haagen das.
We somehow ended up in Oklahoma. Nick's been crapping for two hours and I'm afraid to call a doctor because who the hell knows what sort of stuff goes down in the middle of nowhere. So not a great long weekend really.
Randomize
