My history with restaurant waiters is severely limiting our dinner options.
So I purposely left a bunch of metal in my pockets so that the smokin hot TSA officer would give me a pat down. Airport security just got fun
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
He booked us a hotel at a resort in cancun for sprng break... I just wanted to get laid this weekend when i was blackout i didnt know it was gonna spiral into a mess of events like a 5 month in advance commitment
nothing says 'im willing to leave my comfort zone for you' like letting you choke me during sex
Were not alcoholics, were just impatient for fridays
I know. He gave me a hug and i was like jesus i can just feel the std through your sweatshirt
Let's get one thing straight; we aren't in a relationship. We fuck and occasionally go to subway.
I'd love to sympathize with you but I'm drunk in a mansion
I might have been fine if i had magic teleportation powers and could have skipped the car ride between bar and home
When I realised he had a girlfriend I just started telling them about my ex and how I write poetry about him. Which I then read to them. They just gave me pity looks and left me to finish my spliff alone.
So I have a scar from when the stripper tore off my underwear .... Best birthday ever
You rolled over grabbed my crotch and said "that's my waffle." I'm sleeping on the couch next time.
He had been licking my nipple for like 5 minutes and it wouldn't get hard. He asked me to lick my own and when I did, instant hardness. I realized I'd rather have sex with myself then this guy ..
At least I’m an “essential employee” and can still bang my boss. \n\nFingers crossed my husband doesn’t ask why I’m essential, the orgasms are too good to give up during this pandemic
Randomize
