Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
Ramen noodles and uncensored jerry springer episodes, what a nice life i have.
Sarah Palin is going to have a show on the discovery channel...Can I get a moment of silence for knowledge?
I'm partying with my neighbors right now, and by "with my neighbors" I mean they are partying in their backyard and I'm partying in mine, and by "partying" I mean I'm sitting here alone drinking tequila.
remember.. you're not a homewrecker.. you're just creating options for him..
Had to. She was getting married in 2 days & her vag was having a close out sale. You know I love a good bargain.
Have you seen Dave? He's not on top of the bar anymore but I found his shirt.
We should discuss this later when sobriety has returned. Right now he's just like a distant cousin.
Do you think we could brew coffee with beer? I'm thinking a hazelnut Guinnesspresso can only end with pure awesome.
Im gonna get home and destroy this bag of chicken nuggets with my soul.
We had sex on the bear rug. He said "you, me and the bear. This is bear-idise"
He walked in on me banging his sister and said "you're both old enough to make you own decisions. Carry on"
Strip club, what strip club did I eat a steak at? That's the appropriate question
He's petting your head, we need to leave now.
I'm just bringing him "breakfast," and breakfast may lead to lunch and dinner, but that doesn't mean I want the mealplan.
Randomize
