When you only buy popcorn and condoms at the grocery store they know whats up.
A cab driver remembered me by name, address, and ex fuck buddys nick name from a year ago. I mustve been one memorable shit show.
right. well i dont plan on getting laid till i find a respectable girl that i can make unrespectable
I had a dream she was puking on me, but sadly in real life she was puking on me too
Put you drinking hat aside for Tuesday. My buddy is bartending!
I just puked in my drinking hat.
Shot gunning beers for breakfast. You better be ready for today.
I have dibs on his crisis of faith.
she basically told me that her vine videos last longer that I do
i chased my gummy vitamins with cold bacon, never say I don't take care of myself
I just rolled a blunt and took my bra off. I'm not going anywhere.
I do NOT want my proposal story to start "...he was peeing on me and then..."
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
I was desperate and wasn't about to let my cereal get soggy so I ate it on the toilet. Don't let me repeat last night.
Never admit to being cold at those things. That is how you end up waking up the next morning naked under animal pelts... or so I have heard.
The sex was totally worth how awkward its gonna be for the next few weeks
Randomize
