I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
Guess what I'm doing tomorrow?
Becoming a productive member of society?
Sam. Come on.
There are taser marks on me. Your face flashed before my eyes when i woke up and saw them.
where are you?
Hypothermia
explaining to a nurse how i all most cut my finger off playing beer pong, she def just hand me a AA booklet.
BTW, it's bullshit to say that not doing a shot is unpatriotic. You know how I fall for that.
Just had sex with your cousin. That's what you get for throwing away a perfectly good microwave. Hopefully you learned from this experience.
I stuck a note to his door with my gum explaining why i couldn't spend the night. as i was walking away, he opened the door...i fell down and played dead. deffinitly didn't see me.
I feel like death gave me a hand job
When someone comes out of your vagina and stomps on your dreams, you'll understand.
My google history for last night included "Whre is johns house" and "wher can i buy nukes?" Pretty sure they're related to one another.
i'm licking honey sensually off my arm while alone in my room. what has my life come to
you bleached my bangs. i have an interview later today and you assholes bleached my bangs.
So she said she could really go for a cheeseburger and I remembered I had one in my pocket. No idea where it came from.
All I fucking want right now is a cheeseburger the size of my face
Randomize
