just got waxed at a place I havent been to in a while
woman didnt remember me then in the middle of waxing she announced that she just didnt recognize my face
She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
I wish there was a non-hangover washing machine that I could stick myself in right now
My farts smell like St. Pauli Girl. Last night was too much for a Monday.
Mac n' cheese is coming out of my nose. You can't make that feel better
I wish i had more things to dip in ranch... That's the most stoner thing i've ever said
If it's any consolation, your boobs looked awesome.
idk, it started getting weird when they were looking up videos of lesbian giraffes
He broke into my house just to tell me the door was locked.
Remind me to tell you how I've been deaf since Sunday at 1245
Something tells me your "Titties for Tracy Morgan" fundraiser won't pan out.
Woke up with a 22 year old with the number for a different girl written on my stomach, almost 30 can suck my dick I still got this shit
Lest it die in the depths of eternal drunken recall denial...we peed in the street. Middle of the street. Simultaneously. Peed. Street. Middle of street.
I was having a dream that I was swimming in a pool filled with melted chocolate but woke up to find I had poured chocolate milk all over my body
I think I was judged by a squirrel this morning during the walk...
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