She looks like Robin Williams dressed as a frog.
It is obvious to me now why clam chowder & beer aren't a good combo.
Why does every girl think its ok to cheat on their boyfriends with me?
Too tired to do the dishes so I made mac and cheese in a teapot. There's still some left if you want some...
Hes sobering up now. He was just really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while he was telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together..
My dealer threw in a "freestyle rap" today with my purchase. I dont know if I can handle this relationship.
There's a stripper banging on the door demanding to see you.
Did you hook up with him before or after he shaved off half of his eyebrow?
But I mean how many guys can say they get blow jobs and grilled cheese with football
I just want to slap everyone in the face that's happy being sober. Loser.
Bringing my cat to a booty call was not my finest hour
Well, I currently have zero fuckboys and my vibrator just broke. A fresh start to May.
I will be DAMNED if anyone but me breastfeeds my cat.
What's a professional way to say get your shit in gear?
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
Randomize
