LETS GET FUCKED UP IN ONESIES TONIGHT.
I worry about you sometimes...
were you wearing a green and blue thong last night?
yes! wait why?
because i found it in my pocket this morning...
my little brother just asked me why i have handcuffs. How do I tell him that his sister likes being taken advantage of in the bedroom?
I was masturbating with the shower head and someone flushed the other toilet. Pretty sure I have 3rd degree burns on my clit.
What started as a "classy" double date ended with Jeremy and I tripping our balls off and talking to the refrigerator while the girls cried on the couch and questioned where their lives were heading.
Some girl at the bar was showing us her chipped tooth as a pick up line.
He appeared on my 7th floor fire escape and sang to me and jimmy through the window when we fucked. He's like a drunken mix of Sinatra and Spiderman.
i got to hold a baby today and i loved it and i want a baby but actually i'm going to make an appointment to get birth control now.
You're the reason why I want to be a better drunk
Dude. Where are you? There's a hot chick drunkenly dancing on the bar and aggressively taking shots to Pink songs. She looks like she needs a rebound. Get. Here. Now.
FUCK NYC TRAFFIC.
For breaking and entering. I think neighbor dan cared more about me puking in his backseat than the surprise of me waking up there
Don't send me heart emojis when you're jacking off.
We just had sex on an abandoned logging road while wearing snow shoes. God bless Montana boys.
Why is there a trampoline for sale in my front yard?
You had blacked out Skype sex? Wow we live in the future
Randomize
