Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
I really love her but I don't think I can go the rest of my life without anal.
and then when she swallowed her birth control with a shot of vodka and looked in my direction, i knew it was time to go.
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
Fat lady wearing Shape Up's. I would feel bad making crude comments, but she has to know it's coming.
now you know why we've never bought a 12 pack of king cobras before.
It involved homemade coconut rum, a waterfall, and street signs. I'll leave the rest to your capable imagination.
I got rejected. By another girl. At a red light. In front of seven shirtless cyclists in the middle of the night. How is that normal?!?
Pretty sure encouraging you to sleep with 2 different girls while keeping you in the good graces of both has lost me the ability to call myself a woman. But that's just the kind of friend I am; dedicated.
would it be mean if I put better with the lights off on my sex playlist just for my hook up with him?
Well, I have a text in my phone that just says "Scrumtrelescent" from a girl I have in here as "Cheesy Tits", so you figure out how my night was going.
Look I'm sorry I stuffed your wife's bouquet toss but I won't have that weak shit in my house.
And you were like wow I love water shots they taste so good
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
Just learned a very valuable life lesson. Never motorboat a cat when they have claws.
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