I mean I can't believe yesterday ended w/ your house getting firebombed. What an unexpected turn of events
we just stared at taco bell's menu on the website for 2 hours
dude she has hot friends.. do you want blonde brunette or red head.. maybe asian?
what is this build-a-bear? .. just gimme one thats breathing
Maybe if i steal enough bar glasses i can justify all the money spent i've spent there
I realize now that I left my pants on that table in the downstairs bathroom at you house on Tuesday....
We need to reprogram your vagina to say "no"
Made a vodka juice box out of a ziploc bag and a straw for when I drive. Doesn't count as an open beverage container anymore.
Her Grandmother felt me up AND paid for dinner. If she doesn't get her shit together I'm gonna be her Step Grandfather.
Just considered playing a drinking game with powerade with my sister so she would get some fluids in her. I do so well with sick people.
I feel like I should pray to the god of Febreze, because it is like it washes away the smell of all my sins from the bed
I am stoned at Disneyland with my little brother. It's gonna be a good day.
He follows more cats on Instagram then he does girls.. That's how you know your boyfriend is whipped.
Ah Christ I think I've reached the single life mentality 100%. I just inquired a photographer about a photo shoot with my dog.
I don't care how many things you caught on fire, it's still not as bad as doing coke and then filming yourself having sex.
His hair is as curly as mine. It was like watching me go down on myself.
Randomize
