its time to go be "that drunk guy nobody knows"....again.
You were scared that your teeth were shrinking so you stuck your fist in your mouth. then you were convinced your hand was growing cuz it got stuck so yu started crying
Dude i have a 6th sense for when bagel bites are ready.
the beat of "birthday sex" is shockingly similar to my dry heaving rhythm. it's making me nauseous all over again.
Its like everytime i see you, my vagina gets a heartbeat.
There's a middle eastern man wearing a cow costume with tequila coming out of his udders, but I'm not sober enough to feel uncomfortable with it.
I was high and he had on a gorilla suit. Of course I had to take a picture with him
Your a disgrace to smokers everywhere
Nothing says walk of shame like leather pants in daylight
one renamed every person in my phone 'I lpvw tewqils', so it would really help me out if you could text me your name. Happy sunday!
What we have is to special to throw away over a woman who spreads her butt cheeks on a pool table for me...
The only downside to doctor sex is that getting choked with a stethoscope leaves marks.
I just swallowed confetti and motor-boated some guys beard...#happy2015
Tell him that his phone is taped to the dog's stomach. Stop trying to call it because it makes him scared.
besides the unzipped fly, the black eye and the toilet paper on your shoe you looked really sexy today baby!
I just met his mom for the first time with a hang over. Then we went to watch his 8 year old cousin get baptized. Apparently his family loves me. I should drink more often.
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