i just sat at a stop sign for 10 minutes waiting for it to turn green. i need to STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT.
I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
I'm having sex on a snuggie, yes i stopped to text you
You know your in college when you use the receipt from the liquor store as a bookmark
I never thought I would say the free bottle of grey goose was the problem but it was
I don't even know why im sitting in this office eating a poptart.
Dude they have your information. Come back. The sheriffs office is here, they are pissed..please come back otherwise jail is inevitable. Call me
Lightning struck the tree right outside of her window as I came inside her. I think its God's way of saying go by plan b.
I lull them into a false sense of security with my gayness. Then when they're vulnerable, I strike, like a snake. A big non-gay snake, with huge balls.
You are a booty call, not a friend.
i went out at 5pm and cant remember anything until 3am...i was at the bus stop parking lot running around doing the Arrested Development chicken calls.
He called me skinny, I broke his garbage disposal, then denied him sex. Normal second date etiquette.
right now I need to figure out a smart way to get an accurate picture of his dick so I know what in dealing with, right now in flying blind.
You hit your head and proceeded to fall in the floor, curl up in my lap and make me rock you like a small infant. I was beginning to worry until you started to sing "Rock me momma like a wagon wheel".
It's his. I know, I'm pregnant with a genetic douche bag but at least he'll be pretty!
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