I can't remember last night. I must have yelled at your girlfriend til she cried again.
Yup.
You just kept yelling "SATAN!" at me every time I walked by
I may have been hammered and in a wheelchair but I definitely remember asking the hospital reseptionist to marry me
Do you ever just think "I could really go for a good 30 minute blowjob". I do. Everytime jill smiles.
I'm puking to John Mayor, save me. Or at least change it to somethong beyyt
you owe me at least a beer for the services my girlfriend just provided for you
Dude I am allergic to the candy dicks from that sex shop in Vegas. Come take me to hospital right now.
So I deleted all the text from my phone, was looking for my mom's coffee order and show the coffee guy the pic of me eating pussy.
A dude was barking out of one of the buildings so I barked back and he goes, "Oh shit! She barked back! Come to room 803 I'll fuck you!"
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
Well. I mean as excuses for running late go, 'losing track of time in the bathhouse' has gotta be up there on the top ten.
Sleeping with him wouldn't be considered hoeing out... It seems more like babysitting.
Oh, don't mind me, that's just my vagina rattling.
We can only continue to use the "oh what's the difference between circumcised and uncircumcised" for a few more months before people will see through our lies
If it makes you feel any better, I can't find the goldfish I dropped like five minutes ago.
Randomize