He cooked the food on a paper plate in the oven.
Nakedness is not a toga. Just sayin
Katie Perry lied, you can't just wake up and shake the glitter off your clothes.
Life lesson: Don't give a drunk girl a dutch oven after having taco bell. She puked all over my pillow. Funny as hell though.
I just passed on expense account drinking, this must be the worst hangover ever.
My chemistry professor just asked me if I ever found a ride home from the bar last Saturday
Can you do me a favor and fuck someone with a car so I can get a ride home?
I just found a bag of teeth...
Ive seen teh same guy pissing in the corner. Twice. Its eally weird. My frieds gonna do th funnel. Im so excited for her! Love, cori. Cuz its lik a diary.
In the 30 seconds it took me to leave the bar I let the barback motorboat me, ripped open a stranger's shirt and bit his chest, then made out with El Camino dude. No, I'm not coming out tonight.
The $10 cab ride turned into a $60 cab ride when you puked down the back of his seat trying to whisper in his ear. He was a trooper though, he came into to wash off in the sink and still tried to get your number.
That idiot. I'll see him on campus and he'll try and touch me like we're friends or some shit. 1.you're ugly 2. You dropped the blunt in the pool
The 3 year old I'm babysitting is the first guy to tell me he loves me sober in like 2 years
Far too many of our conversations end in us talking about sperm
Yes. Life would be much easier if we had penises & could do whatever the fuck we want.
Randomize
