everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
YOURE GIVING A BLOW JOB TO THE BOY WHO SAYS "OH SNAP"
that was probably me. ive bitten a lot of people.
drunken yoga. on the beach. senior week. you have been chosen <3
oh awks just saw the head of medical staff who I punched the bottle of wine at
could you please explain to me why my jumper cables are on my bedroom floor?
We're having soft pretzels and cheese dip for dinner tonight. Like fucking adults.
Can I trade you chipotle for a pregnancy test?
You keep making the old jokes & I'm gonna come down with a sudden case of low-estrogen related vaginal dryness..
I am at 99 matches in less than 24 hours, I need a tinder rehab program
Well I'm half drunk in a green tutu at a chipotle. So pretty good parade.
Hey! Happy Birthday! Could you do me a favor and bring my underwear to the bar?
I realized just how much my daughter is MINE when I heard her tell someone "Go shit yourself" yesterday.
All I recall is being at the strip club doing dark rum shots and then puking a question mark on the wall above the garbage can in the men's room and having diarrhea in the sink. 6th drunkest I've ever been without blacking out.
Okay. Did I say I did anything unusual? Because I usually do weird stuff. Did I clean mirrors? My mirrors are really clean, and I think I remember having windex..
Randomize
