she told me she had a boyfriend but the alcohol told me she didn't
There need to be more gay people on my afternoon soaps.
He sent me a video of himself jacking off. I am not kidding.
WTF??? Isn't he married??
Yeah but his wife is at a birthday party and I guess he's bored. LOL
gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
The strippers from this weekend suck at words with friends
I woke up this morning covered in blood and peanut butter. I am now safe from vampires with nut allergies.
Dude. When are you coming home? I'm laying in bed watching the Grinch and trying to pet a cat that I'm not even sure exists.
mhmm. we know where to go, which places have free bathrooms, how long you can be in one until its sketchy, we have this down to a science. we're like the college sophomore pregaming dream team
You know it's a good weekend when you wake up on Sunday questioning your sexuality.
Laying on a pile of just out of the dryer clothes because this is NOT real life.
Explain why there's a meatball in my bong
We drank vodka and koolaid through a traffic cone. It got rowdy.
HOW DID I LET MYSELF GET SUCKED IN HE HAS A PENIS FOR PETE'S SAKE.
Just took acid. Wish me luck.
I worked out twice today and you're dropping acid. My life sucks.
Two words: nipple clamps
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