i just walked in on my sister drunkenly sobbing to sarah mclachlan. its time for an intervention.
didn't that happen to you last weekend?
shut up.
Also, the wait staff kept prematurely clearing my Manhattans. Not sure if it was an oversight or a hint.
He came inside me, looked me in the eye and said, "Happy Mother's Day"
God that barista is texting me bout his life like i care i mean dude just hook me up with free coffee thats why i gave you my number
Then you started screaming that this was the first time you did e and that you had a 4.8 gpa, that was right before you almost suffocated between that one girl's tits.
I have acquired 14 pictures of hard dicks tonight... I was on a mission. Don't even pretend you aren't proud.
With your fertility you would just get contact pregnant
Bro she gave me the stare. It's like she boned me with her eyes. I'm going in.
We all just did coke and we're coloring so if you're sober its pointless for you to come over here
its not that I hate him, it's just that I wish his penis was attached to someone i like more
You don't realize it's a small world until your ex girlfriend's dad unintentionally messages you on grindr..what.the.fuck.
He's 5'2" and his dick 4'8"
I started carrying sissors in my purse to open plan B with. Both ashamed and proud.
Hi,\n\nYou left your underwear in my Uber. Thanks and bye.
On a scale of 1 to 10, with 1 being “good” and 10 being “banging a student’s father”, how bad is it that I’m banging a student’s father?
Randomize
