My feet smell like cheese. Makes me hungry.
it took everything i had not to yell out "your name means death in german!"
Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
can't come out tonight. went to the bar again last night and the bartender hugged and thanked me so much for my "generosity." I'm intrigued but terrified to see my credit card bill.
I knew the sex would be bad when he slipped the rubber on and said "safe sex activated"
so it turns out that "condoms galore" does, indeed, come up on your bank statement
Accidentally spilled a drink on her roommates skirt, offered to clean it, and got a blowjob out of the deal. Something went horribly right.
I have invented a new sport: freshman-watching. I'm sitting on our porch literally dying watching the freshmen run around trying to find parties
I just walked in on my sixteen year old sister soaking her tampon in vodka. I go to Berkeley. And they think she's the good daughter.
Because of my cut offs, my brother is convinced I fucked a girl so hard she forgot to take her pants. Fairly accurate.
You passed out in your dogs bed and you only willingly woke up because I told there was a bottle of vodka and a snickers bar waiting for you upstairs
You know you're good at multi-tasking if you can get a lap dance from someone while simultaneously eating a burrito.
I can feel the shame as I walk down your hallway.. good night
Had to admit my broken elbow was caused by vodka, not hockey
the police dropped me off. that's how my night went.
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