Theres a random in my bed. Omg but at least he's a law student?
Smoked a bowl on a rollercoaster. Literally ON. Beat that.
Also how the fuck did i get like 30 brown napkins
he told us the story of how he fought ketchup, mustard, and thomas the train engine all in one night. if that doesn't sound like an acid trip i dont know what does.
Showering in my swimsuit in hopes of getting the beer smell out.
Dude. Cab ride home consisted of me making out with an Asian girl sitting next to my Dad
RE-DICK-YOU-LUSSSSS
That's me emphasizing the ridiculous
Just broke my collar bone. May not make it to the party.
plus there's no nice way to tell a guy you physically hate the shape of their cock.
btw my ex came by last night and saw the pregnancy test intructions. awkwarrrrd.......
He stumbled in drunk at 7am, while we were getting ready for work. He poured a bowl of Cap'n Crunch, poured Jack Daniels on it., and said he was having "Captain Jack" for breakfast. I don't know how he's alive and employed. I hope the Cap'n calls in sick for him today.
Easter was a success. We had an egg hunt and hid weed and conforms inside them. Cooked a ham, made some jello, got wasted. THIS is adulthood?!
In the words of my step grandma "whatever makes your pussy happy"
You know you were really drunk last night when you woke up and had someone else's jacket with their car keys and medical marijuana that you wore home from the bar and no sign of your actual jacket.
There will be plenty of opportunity for me to sexualize Mike via VenMo.
Randomize
