Its not alright that i make out with a manican.
I just had to explain to the pharmacy cashier that the Plan B and thank you notes I was buying were not related.
what was i supposed to do!? wake up and actually ask her name??
My roommate made me go home after I mooed at fat girls at the gas station.
Ur gonna wake up early as dick tomorrow to do some responsible shit but im the one up at 3 am right now cooking brats soaked in keystone light so fuck your falling asleep ass bitch
There is a really great story behind the missing Coco Puffs and vodka mystery
Dude just bought the table 3 bottles of champaign and broke one on the floor as his "signature" and he makes me want this recession hit harder
Did I hit my head yesterday? I have a bump on the back of it. Also I just want you to know that I don't blame you for me taking my bikini top off. If I want to be shirtless no man or woman on this earth can stop me.
I told my manager that I would be coming in to work either high from edibles on purpose or tripping on acid by accident so he knows to check my work tomorrow.
Like actually I will be single and sad and lonely for ever. Cheese will be my life partner. Robot sex is my future.
PLEASE AT LEAST MEOW SO I KNOW YOU AREN'T DEAD
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
I woke up at 5am on my couch, naked, with a cereal bowl of water next to me. Apprently, drunk me thought I was a kitten last night. Super impressed I slept next to the bowl all night and didn't spill a drop.
Wow dude wow that's sad man so sad. I dno't event wanna massturbate anymore due to teh sadness
Don’t get me wrong—I love silver and bracelets—but handcuffs are not a good look on me…
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