Did I ever tell you that the first person i made out with cried?
Moan for me like Helen Keller
This is the moment in my life where I take a fork in the "nice guy" road ive traveled for 23 years and fuck everything in sight that doesnt have herpes, or is in-between flare ups and I don't know about it until my dick is on fire.
Everyone looked at me like I just fucked a gopher and was wearing it like a hat
My ex just sent me a message asking if she could blow me, but only if we get caught by her new bf. If she promises to swallow I'm doing it.
Used my phone to vibrate 'eye of the tiger'. It's like Rocky is punching my nuts, but gently.
He literally cocked blocked all the dudes that tried to talk to the girls he was with, and they all loved him.
Same guy who tossed the brunet over his shoulder as they left screaming "Bring me my lucky shovel!"
if Anne Taylor knew what she did in her clothes, she'd be banned from the store.
oh come on, it's the perfect length summer dress to blow a stranger in the bathroom in
I'm pretty sure that I drunkenly used the phrase "I just want his beard all over my body" way too many times last night.
I opened the door and his girlfriend was standing there; we made silent, prolonged eye contact as I quietly put on my panties and left.
a guy just skateboarded past my window in a bunny suit while chased by a dog walker
I should not be able to sum up my life with a taco brand motto...
My liver can't handle being unemployed!
i got a dick pic last night and the mother fucker had a Jesus picture in the background.
Mimosas make me so tired. I just ordered a huge thing of pasta and gonna eat it in my underwear like a bad bitch
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