I never said you were fat, just too fat for ME
Any particular reason you put 2 smashed up limes in my back pocket last night?
peeing off your aunts pourch into the koy pond seemed like a good idea at the time
I've just never had a dinner guest strut in, go directly to my bathroom, vomit.. then come out demanding whiskey and food.
My meds have diminished my sex drive, this must be what regular women feel like
Also I think he would slowly, painfully, die. You really can't live without a penis. You'd explode.
By the way, I'm pretty sure your husband is publicly advocating more BJs for my husband, via Facebook.
I think it was clear she was setting us up when she brought me over to you and said "Present!"
You know your acid trip is going well when the orange you're eating gives you a life lesson
And at the semi-adult age of 25 I have shit my pants. Not even drunk, just really late to work. Is this real life?
He said he'd prefer a photo rather than discuss politics, I sent him a snapchat "conservative shorts 4 conservative man". He said "be liberal"
Well, I sent nudes with an Elmo t shirt on the floor... so there's that.
I forgot wine drunk hurts
What can I say, I just want your vagina in my mouth.
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
Randomize
