I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
She passed out in my bed last night before anything happened. She felt really bad about that, so she gave me head when we woke up this morning.
Things I love twice as much when drunk: Taco Bell. Office chairs that roll. Classes.
You've slept with me you know how lazy I am in bed.
she said I was laying next to a garbage can in the subway doing key bumps and screaming "its my fucking birthday" repeatedly
I will give you all my nachos to make this happen
I'm scared to see what happens if we keep winning like this. I don't think there enough livers for every one after the season is over.
He woke me up at 5am to recite nursery rhymes to our fictitious unborn child.
why do all the dudes in this porno look like billy ray cyrus
Just so you know.. If you ever cheat on me, i will cut your dick and fingers off and post them as my cover photo on Facebook. Love you.
Turns out both me and my grandpa have a guilty pleasure for South American men.
her fuck buddy was butt ass naked in our kitchen making waffles but they tasted so bomb
I should never have to text my best friend asking if she eloped again last night.
welp, we watched the human centipede high last night and my mind literally shut down, when i came to all i could hear was mel saying EAT EAT HIS SHIT
Randomize
