So apparently I told him I was off to go "whore skipping" and I disappeared into the night skipping down the street. I know this because there's video.
I am spending my child support on dildos
he wanted to have sex on the little rocking chair but i was too high to figure out how to do that so we did it on the floor.
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
I woke up this morning to my phone notebook open and written was "reasons why I'm a whore in chronological order" then it listed everybody I've had sex with in the past five months.
Man the liquor store just wrong numbered me, its a sign even god wants me to drink
Fact: Chilis at the airport in JAX will serve you shots of jack at 6:45 with breakfast. Ya I missed my flight.
So when does your new flight leave?
At my shot/hour ratio.... I leave in 16 shots. I love flying
Ed's in which sucks about a thousand cocks... But thats 1800 less than working with Alex so it's gonna be a good day
The Supreme Court upheld health insurance. If that's not an excuse to get hospital drunk, I don't know what is.
The paramedics were not my fault this time.
Woke up backwards on a recliner
Your drunk naked friend is roaming the living room. Started roaming my room. Please come retrieve him
I don't care what you say about him, his cock is the stuff dreams are made of.
In other news, I just sent her a video of me masturbating while driving in the rain, so I guess you could say I've mastered Snapchat
Going to give your dick a friendship bracelet.
Randomize
