im orety awesome arent i? relly i know i am
More dangerous that a broken heart and a shotgun.
I may have discovered that porn hub is on my top visited sites during class this morning.
just prayed to lady gaga in hopes it will help me pass my fashion merchandising final...what is my life?
the fact that he forgave me for making out with the bartender is proof that i can fuck my way out of anything.
we didn't have anything to do and wanted to get our money's worth out of our costumes, so if you see two mermaids day drinking by the creek it's us
Gotcha. Well, I'm puking and trying to keep down water from a mug that says "love the moment" around the rim. Not loving this particular moment.
I swear to God, if you drunkenly correct my grammar one more time, I'm cutting you off.
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
she just nodded and said "yeah, I'd fuck him for a reese's peanut butter cup". it's so nice to know I'm not the biggest whore living here
When I was drunk texting him about three ways he seemed more interested in just seeing me. And that's when I knew something was wrong with him
I felt like a responsible adult. A responsible adult that may or may not end up shitfaced. But not heaving purple puke into a urinal like last time because I'm classy now.
I probably should have told her I was actually the drunkest one there before she let me pierce her ear
He's a college graduate, has an excellent job, and respects his family. To say nothing of his 8.5 inch cock. His narcolepsy not withstanding...I'm marrying this motherfucker.
Well, I was arguably the most sober adult in the house by 1 in the afternoon, so I'd say Superbowl Shitshow was a success.
Randomize
