i got your date sluuuuuuut pick up my calls or else hes mine
Kirsten Dunst is sitting next to me in a bar in NYC
Tell her I want my money back for Elizabethtown.
we're making bets on your personal life
Sometimes he has weird facial hair...Basically he has a penis... that's what he's got going for him.
Have invented new cocktail. Any flavor of crystal light and vodka. I call it "I am going to die alone"
A guy just washed his hands in the toilet. No joke
I woke up this morning at 8 to my roommates still drunk, hanging out on the roof, and screaming at bikers. They couldn't figure out why they were into it.
I asked if he wants to help me spring forward at 2am on Sunday. He seems down.
How did "late lunch" turn into 8 solid hours of drinking??? I feel like death.
I spent the money she owed me on enough magnum condoms to make a blimp. Damn right I'm going to make the best of it.
Almost caused a huge accident on the highway because I was distracted by how orange the road barrels were
Your roommates will be treating you to many anecdotes about my intentions to have aggressive sex with you. I'm sorry in advance.
I'll give you one guess. It has a cock and I want it
Yeah. We had phone sex then cried together, it was beautiful and heartbreaking
Upon further investigation my nipples are bruised and I have teeth marks all over.
Randomize
