Just opened a beer with eyelash curlers... miss you.
Yes, that was me on the jumbo tron. No, i don't know why i was hiding.
in the event i get tipsy, my nipples are your responsibility
REAL PEOPLE DRINK 3 BEERS ALONE WILL WATCHING THE LIFETIME MOVIE ABOUT PRINCE WILLIAM AND KATE MIDDLETON
I found my underwear on the sidewalk 8 blocks from her house while on my walk of shame. I also found our beer bag and a full beer in the bush.
She has a lazy eye!
My other option is a hardwood floor
Regular drunk falling on flat ground did not prepare me for drunk falling into a pile of firewood.
They evidently had to pull his penis out of me while we were passed out on the floor.
I just found a video of you asking to be a whale with me.
I have a fever. Last thing I need to do tonight is be elbow deep in old lady pussy.
My head is just one big fuzz right now.. Its like someone replaced my brain with a teddy bear
Future roommate keeps sending me pictures of cool shit she has for our dorm and I'm just like "... I have a set of Aggie wine glasses a great set of tits."
For a man with no legs he was surprisingly good at doggy style.
I don't know whether to high-five you or stage an intervention.
Just because your drunk doesn't mean you can stick your dick in the snow. Just a FYI
Just so you know, I choose to answer your bootytext tonight because it was the most creative.
Randomize
