Friends don't let friends fuck ugly girls. WALK AWAY FROM HER!
Is it sad I memorized the exact change required for a #7 at Wendy's?
why is every porn film shot in the same house? with the same red couch!?!
Going to pass out with da shoes on. hugging wallstreet journal from tuesday. please check me for liveliness in the morning.
Dont have access to internet. masturbating to shake weight commercial.
Just because he saw my boobs doesn't mean he knows me all of a sudden
Come over and play the Jeter 3000 drinking game. You drink if the commentators say "captain" or "3000". I'll drink if they say "overrated" or "past his prime".
She just licked her nipple in public to get a free bar tab.
Don't ask how or why, but I think the 775 on the inside of my lip is permanent
I'm pretty sure that when my parents bought me those savings bonds they thought it would go towards something useful like tuition. Not your bail.
I told you I'd buy you lunch.
Just pretend you're riding a unicorn through space. Thats how I deal with the stirrup situation at the gyno office.
Pretty sure I recall hugging our waiter from the bar last night. That also means we are NEVER going there again
Well waking up naked, covered in Chex mix is not how I planned to start my Wednesday if that's what you're getting at.
I just found a live peacock hanging out behind the bar. I coerced it into my car and now I have a peacock bro that lives with me.
I can barely operate my hands; what makes you think I can operate my dick
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