she uses ice cubes and hums anything I want. Last night was Welcome to the jungle. it wasnt lost on me shes a puma. no shame in that 30+ game.
Ramen noodles and uncensored jerry springer episodes, what a nice life i have.
this whole healthcare thing got me thinking.. without knowing it my parents are now going to be paying for my dealer to be able to live..
she won't take no for an answer... no matter what language i said it in
I just need to actually convince myself that drunkenly having sex won't help me forget the last time I drunkenly had sex, it only makes the situation worse.
Burnt my ear trying to use the bathroom blow dryer as a telephone.
...im seriously confused as to why this doesn't make sense to you. Girl hostage, rob casino. Makes perfect sense.
Zach, it's Lisa from work. Was that you yeiling BALLS DEEP at me on I-25 or is it just something about me that invites that from rando creeps?
I just found a half a joint in my bed. . .don't know if this qualifies as a proud moment or a cry for help
I can't feel the bottom half of my face but i feel like our sex would be amazing
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
We got signed out of jail by an Uber driver. I think that qualifies as a great first night of college
Geez don't go to a bar for a few days and everyone freaks out.
You can’t judge a dick by its balls.
Just had the biggest masturbatory crisis ever.
What does that mean?
Internet is down.
Randomize
