I think i just called up my ex and talked to her for 20 minutes about frogs and how happy i am to be wearing shorts
I woke up to them arguing over who would get my morning wood. Oh, and I was dressed as Santa.
Fell into a man hole last night. I've been bleeding since 11pm. Got kicked out of the bar for being bloody.
There's a wake for a coworker on 420 during te time of 420... Hoping everyone will be too sad to notice how high I am.
I really appreciate you zipping up my pants at the bar. You didn't even ruin my Bermuda triangle.
She gives the worst handjobs, it was like raw meat on a cheese grater
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
The day i have a fb album titled " I have become a townie" you can shoot me in the foot and tell me to get my life together
I feel like you're gonna be reading this at 6 AM in a ditch or under a bridge, but please remember...I offered to drive you home. And you said no.
The sad thing is that it's 6:45 and you're not far off.
Goddamn it Peter ur the only person i know who can make going down on a girl a competition.
She won. Twice.
I would have publicly shamed him but I'm pretty sure his tramp stamp did that on its own...
i ate pretzels. i might be the first human to be hospitalized from pretzels. that's how bad this is.
Had a moment of weakness, slept with my ex last night
So that's why our room smells like tequila and shame.
I should not have moved in with him. He's got porn stashed everywhere like a homosexual squirrel.
You love porn!
Not in the sugar bowl when I'm making my Mom coffee I don't.
She was blowing air into green onions and tying knots in them to make "balloons"
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