He could be your dad!
We discussed that right before he asked for my number
dude, the summer is killing me. i just woke up cause my balls were stuck to HER leg!
Sure, fine. Daughter just told me she is not a virgin anymore. I am gonna start drinking now
she called me a fuckfaceshitdick. not that's creative. it sounds like a crayola crayon, preferrably an orange-brown shade.
so you told her it was a 'nam scar? i mean, how old does she think you are.
I'm just gonna plan on never getting a bf. everything I touch turns to gay
It's not really the holidays until I raid the medicine cabinet. Happy hydrocodone to me
And a merry methadone to all
Holy shit there is too much Taco Bell here to talk to you
There's a quesaritto in the oven. Neither of us have been to Taco Bell in 3 weeks.
all I know is id definitely throw up if you guys ever dated so if you do stay the fuck away from me
Mike's not allowed to drink vodka anymore. He couldn't get his temporary tattoos (stickers) to stick so he super glued them on.
That portable toilet under the bed? Turns out it was a tuba. Explains alot.
I apparently ooze single. The second I left his house after break up sex five of my old booty calls text me
And on the way out from Applebee's he tried to take the basket of toothpicks claiming he was using them as a tax write off. Last time I babysit my dad on thirsty Thursday.
Yeah. Of all the things to be cock blocked by a plague is the most unexpected.
Randomize
