Apparently I promised a worker at La Siesta free English lessons to make up for vomming all over the little Mariachi band.
Well I woke up with spatula marks on my ass and burns on my hands.
handjobs have no place on a baseball diamond
That was a $3000 rug we rolled him down the hill in.
i just remembered that i did the "single ladies" dance ON THE BAR...fuck you slippery nipples i curse the day i discovered you
You slid down the bannister into a split. Lines were crossed.
So, this year for my birthday, want to get rip-roaring schmammered and watch my episode of my super sweet 16? We can do lines off my tiara.
Good morning! Just thought I'd give you my yearly reminder that we lost our virginities 7 years ago, yesterday.
That's the best creepy text ever.
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
What's his name?? He crossfits 6 times a week, works in finance & is into the occasional felony class drug. His name is irrelevant in order to know if I wanna bone him again.
You were so high that you only FaceTimed me so that you could stare into your own eyes and not actually say anything
I haven't heard from him yet. He's either still asleep (which is entirely plausible..... There wasn't much sleeping happening last night) or he's robbing me blind. But I have renters insurance, so either way, I'm ok with it.
Lady Gaga is doing the 1/2 time show. I hope it's gay and liberal as fuck.
I should probably add her on Facebook for as much as I cheat off her in Physics, huh?
my roommates gone so i can take codeine and sleep naked
Randomize
