Say my name once during sex just to fuck with her. Like when it gets rough.
I'm drinking with 3 chicks and 1 gay dude. 100% chance I'm getting laid and 75% chance I'll enjoy it.
I don't not like him. It's just wierd talking to him because we both know I fucked his wife.
I just saw a group of 50+ year old women all wearing shirts that said "drink up, bitches" ...please tell me that can be us some day.
Not sure why I sent you a picture of a black bear last night but it seemed like a good idea at the time.
Pizza delivery...for when you need to eat your feelings for the sex you aren't having
We just left the shoe. An app card to Fridays. $25 to santoras and a note that said sorry we were drunk on the front doorstep of the strip club
Finding an empty bathroom to shit on campus is like the quest for the fucking Holy Grail. Except with more stench and humiliation.
Leave it to me to sleep w a guy who gets poison ivy on his dick
I just remembered I did the whole byebyebye dance at the bar
What I'm doing now is like me taking a bagel, dropping it butter side down, leaving it for six years, picking it back up, and trying to fuck it
THERE IS A BABY THAT ISN'T MINE THAT'S GOING TO HEAR ME BEING SEXED!
Is it bad I use my AA meeting to hookup with guys?
Our faces when the strip club was closed looked like the grinch just stole Christmas ☹️
Apparently when you start crushing adderall and blending them into your margaritas calling them blenderalls you have "a problem" WTF
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