you guys are cousins why the FUCK are your pants off
i'm naked playing bejeweled blitz in your bed. this is both a forewarning and an apology
you rearended a car with your bike and then puked all over his back windshield. They made BUI's for you.
As I was puking last night I told them "it's ok I'm a paramedic"
I'm sorry that spending new years with you was fucking my boyfriend in your bathroom multiple times
No, that was the night I was sneezing out barf
Im trying to find an appropriate gift to your mom for getting both you and your sister on birth control within a week, any suggestions?
... They left for 10 minutes and came back with a lobster he's in the toilet downstairs
I asked for a steak knife but the waitress could see in my eyes it was a bad idea
I can't believe you're asking me to think of a sincere, creative way to apologize to your penis at 2 am.
IDK DUDE BUT HE TIED IT WITH A SHOELACE SO I GOTTA FREE SHOELACE OUTTA THE DEAL. THIS GIVES A NEW MEANING TO LACED DRUGS
I got another blow job proposal last night. Skills.
How was the picnic?
We played softball, except our team sucked. In one hand was a mitt, the other a beer.
Why didn't you put them down?
No beer left behind.
I pulled up iMessage on my computer and I'm pretty sure two people in my class saw that dick pic you sent. Sorry!
Pretty sure I just scored Election Day sex based on the theory that if either of these fools win the world as we know it is over so we might as well get a few orgasms in...
Randomize
