Today I realized that I've had whole drunk relationships with people. And sober me has and wants no part in it.
even if everyone didnt know them screaming eskimo brothers and high fiveing over my head kinda gave it away
He gave me his business card. It was a Justin Bieber trading card with his number written in sharpie. I have to call him don't I?
I hope the walls stop moving before my manager notices that i'm still drunk.
Her inability to understand the word "moderation" is the achille's heel of an otherwise perfect human
I dont know how to respond to your rave picture. I mean yeah, he's hot, but it just seems wrong to be like "Please tell me you fucked that guy with the pacifier!"
Wait, whatever happened to locking our vaginas in closets?
Is eating fries while lying on the floor bad for you?
If I choke and die at least I will have been doing something I love
I had 17 beers 2 days ago. I'm not dad material yet
Everyone here is taking crazy amounts of mescaline and I'm just over here like hey have you tried the pretzel rolls mmm
Being engaged is strange. I looked at my cock this morning and said, "we did alright these last 32 years, right?"
you were angry and didn't have anything else to throw so you threw a breakfast burrito...?
I can't believe you won 5 grand from the casio last night and spent more than 80% on tacobell and strippers already
you hit your head on the sneeze guard and passed out at Pizza Hut they called the police
My chance to home wreck was right in front of me and I didn’t grab it by the balls
Randomize
