i fucked some guy last night. i called him nick jonas by mistake. i'm 24.
after you took your Demerol you started flying around and talking like the robot ship on the movie Stealth. then you licked my iPhone and declared the mission a success.
well now i know if i ever need to drive puke and talk on the phone at the same time i can
I just woke up with a bunch of French fries in my hand and a chocolate shake balancing on my pillow. Lovely.
He walked in, tore open the drawer, pulled out a condom, and slammed it shut. He was that ready.
the trail of clothing leading from the bed to the door was in the exact order i needed to put them on. underwear near the bed shoes by the door.
Too much alcohol and too many lesbians. I can officially say I have regrets now. At least that's something.
My tits, and hanging out behind a hotel eating pizza.
I'm not judging you. Just know that you could be Queen of The World. Instead you're 5:28 p.m ponging. I hope you're at least winning
I come from a long history of big boobed German, Swedish, and Irish women. And then there's me. Mother nature was like "Naaaaaaah."
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
Getting a blow job while breaking up with my gf helps cope with the pain... Kinda weird her best friend is giving me the BJ
I'm so high right now that I'm wearing gloves.
I'm kinda glad you won't be in Vegas tomorrow because you'd make us go streaking or throw dead animals at them.
Im playing a game I have to take a drink every time my gram asks me the same question hammered by 4 guaranteed
Randomize
