my dad just encouraged me to do a kegstand
i feel like pocahontas...the disney character not from real chance of love
yea i guess its safe to say fire extinguishers are not synonymous with whip cream cans
I forgot not everyone drinks wine out of the bottle. My grandma just asked if i needed a glass with a disappointing look.
Its what happens when I drink whiskey in a sweater. It makes me feel mature and ponderful.
Your stoned with a 2 year old in the room....and that makes you want to have babies?!
They used the ice bucket from their room to drink beer from and called it the "Holy Grail"
She's the perfect storm of great hair, big boobs, intellectualism, and mild moral ambiguity.
I don't want to just break his heart, I want to dip it in liquid nitrogen and then smash it until it's powder and snort the powder
Remember how we use to say "this will be the year I'll get my shit together!" And like we stopped doing that because we know that isn't happening anytime soon.
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
I'm ne vrr drinkjng againnnnnnnn dforeal.
All time low: no dry towels so I'm using the sex towel to dry off
its not much but to go through all that to ask for half a balls worth of money was so stressful
This is the most exciting thing since movie theater hand jobs
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