If Curt Schilling could pitch a game with that blood-filled sock... if Tiger Woods won the 2008 US Open with a torn ligament, then I'd be an embarrassment to the human race if I couldn't manage to at least jerk him off even if I was still crying after he put it in my butt.
first time Ive ever had to stop sex to go pass out in the kitchen floor...
my debutante medallion kept hitting his balls when i went down on him
My Dad named our wireless network after my dead grandma. I refuse to look up porn on my dead grandma...
Just turned my microbiology homework into a drinking game. The words are getting blurry but I think we're really bonding.
Yeah, that's not really a good thing. Especially for a girl. You should get a tattoo on your stomach that says "Please wear a condom".
if i find out your the one who pierced my belly button im going to fuck your sister again
I'm over this relationship. I'm just going to get drunk all day, wake up in a puddle of my own vomit again, and go on with my life
I just found a list in your handwriting titled "Places I've Peed." The National Mall and 'under the second bridge after the bend in the road' are two of the tamer entries. I tip my hat.
Bro. Some kids just drive-by judged the shit outta me.
We're keeping you on a leash this Saint Patrick's Day
Surprise court date day!!! Wake the fuck up!
I have bits of ceiling fan all over now
I'm not sure. I have to find the Greeks I was with last night and see if they can explain to me why I can't hear out of my right ear and why I look like I got the shit kicked out of me
he said "i'm the cat whisperer, watch". he took a hit from the pipe, grabbed the cat and blew the smoke in its ear. he grinned and the cat started purring. it was magnificent
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