Looks like an M-80 went off in a lb. of pastrami
Phrase i just heard while watching the U.S. open: "Boy they have really trimmed it well, this has got to be the tightest hole in the Open."
totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
just saw bouncers outside a coffee shop. beginning to question humanity.
I keep trying to sit and the chair keeps running away from me
is it sad that i think every plant i pass on the highway looks like a plant from farmville?
last night was the icing on my 3 week vodka binge cake
How are YOU going to look? Buying 40's on Christmas eve.
You should get with him and swear you have to use lambskin condoms. That'll test his veganism.
It's like a puppy that we have to take care of at all times or else she'll get sad, lonely, and chew on the furniture. And by 'chew on the furniture', I mean have anonymous sex.
my hip hurts so fuckin bad. and I just found a half eaten burrito in my nightstand drawer.
I'm mad at him and disappointed with you. It's like I put a bunch of effort into a PowerPoint of "what not to do with Zach" to show you and the first bullet point was "do not love him" and you're just disregarding all my effort and friendship.
I have to make mistakes myself to learn from them
FUCK YOU I AM MAKING A POWERPOINT
I AM NOT THE MAN IN THIS RELATIONSHIP.
It's shit like this that makes people think we're gay.
My friend asked me if I got home okay and I replied "Glad teat. Goodnight." Usually I can translate drunk me, but I'm even lost on that one.
How am I supposed to buy weed and pancake mix when it's raining?
Randomize
