stuffed animals make me feel really maternal.
I hate it when I can only see straight when I close one eye. I feel like that deserts the purpose of seeing with two eyes
I spent my night drunkenly staring at a picture of John Stamos. How do you think I feel?
Dude you have to stop using "I eat good pussy" as a pick up line
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
Bring my lunch to work in liquor store bags is doing nothing for my career
security doesn't like it when we pee on cars. or maybe just not theirs?
I feel like I should lick our pitcher just so everyone knows its ours
well apperantly i passed out on the stairs shouting "victory".
I did however clean up the cupcakes and vomit so I'm not that bad of a roommate
Hurry up I'm getting mooned by a hobo
He makes bad life choices and drives a wagon, how is that not my type?
Just seriously saw this chick say, watch this motherfuckers then did a 42 sec keg stand.
You at least asked for her number right?
I was grinding with girl while I was eating french fries, and she turned around to hook up with me. She ate my fries.
Is there a number of dicks a girl can have in a weekend before it becomes unacceptable? Asking for a friend
Remember! It’sa long weekend and a holiday weekend and it’s America’s birthday! So don’t short change me!
I thought you were asking for a friend
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