haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
2 nights ago she wants to see other people, tonight she wants to have a threesome. The GOOD kind of threesome. So... win?
I think we should involve a squid next time we fuck.
u kno there is a reason i dont tell mi friends about u
He toold me that when we were younger I was his boner buddy.
i wish that high-me and normal-me were two different ppl so that high-me could thank normal-me for setting out a feast before smoking
I wish that high-you wouldn't text me stupid shit at 3:30 in the morning
This flask doesn't match my outfit. I hope the gays don't mind.
I hope the doctor doesnt lift up and my shirt and listen to my lungs. I dont want to explain why I have rug burns on my back.
Just bought a 17 year old 40's while wearing a poncho. This behavior is acceptable until I'm 25.
Im organizing a group to help fondle my shoe. Too many shots dude. Too many.
Your dress got me laid by one of Obama's Secret Service members. Patriotic duty, check.
My dad just sent me a text reminding me to bring the family beer pong championship belt. Thanksgiving 2012 just got real
the second she challenged me to mario kart drinking game i knew i was in love
We broke into the kitchen, stole cooking aprons, and wore them on the dance floor.
Listen, some people have dreams, some people just want to cock slap a kangaroo
Randomize
