so I woke up this morning and on their fridge, the first item on the shopping list was my virginity.
Strippers tramp stamp says "mom"
im failing my bio class b/c he booty calls me wednesday nights at 6 like clockwork
Oh my gosh they are following me around the bar
Blow your rape whistle
My way of showing team usa support, bronze: handy silver: bj gold: home run. God, I'm patriotic
The only thing I had in my freezer before today was patron and cheese.
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
A 'Bear Fight' is a car bomb followed by a Jaeger bomb. Fuckface and I do those on slow days. Tonight, we did a 'Polar Bear on Fire'. Fireball, a bear fight in the middle, and end with rumple minze.
I made friends at the beach bars tonight. Several were worried for my well being.
she walked up to me at the bar, kissed me, andthen declared "I HAVEN'T SEEN YOU OR YOUR PENIS SINCE 2011."
I will go to bed dreaming of sexy Olympians carting me on a throne to the beach where they feed me pizza and champaign and massage my head/wash it like the hair dresser does.
You came into the club around midnight with a carton of tropicana o.j. & said you were starting a revolution.
Just flash them and yell "JUDGE THESE BITCHES"
We're just starting to open presents and I already need a shot. This is gonna be a long Christmas day.
So the makeout sesh? Not so great. His stubble rubbed my face raw, he tried to push me towards auto-erotic asphyxiation, and he licked my forehead. Twice.
I went to the nurse and she literally told me I was too sexually active and wrote me a prescription for 7 days of pelvic rest...... Hahahhahaha
Randomize
