I'm like a new puppy, everybody wants to touch me
BEES IN MY FUCKING PANTS. HELP.
Well besides you comparing him to your dead cat, I'd say it was fine.
What did he say? I couldn't hear him over the sound of how awesome his beard is.
I am too young to be this hungover
Is this your way of saying you want a sober 19th?
Things I just found under my covers: protein bar, string cheese, vibrator.
She kept telling people I wrecked her brain. That high.
He tried to reenact Braveheart's freedom scream but got tackled by his drunk roommate who thought he was yelling that the handle he was holding up was free.
It's a little sad/awesome that I scored coke within 60 seconds of walking in the bar.
The student becomes the teacher.
My purpose is to unleash drunk self on strangers, i believe as some terrifying icebreaker, otherwise i too would offer my driving services.
Masturbating to death wouldn't be a terrible way to go. If you die tonight, I'll know how it went down. Promise not to tell your family.
Currently using my kid's computer to charge my vibrator. #thisis30ish
Well I just woke up to no pants, Gatorade on the headboard along with an uneaten steak, and the instinct I was a giant asshole.
Smoked a joint with mom, best Thanksgiving ever!
I remember is someone saying "I smell weed" and then having a room full of sober high school kids look at me.
Randomize
