I remember having a drink with vegetables in it. They said it was a mojito, but it tasted like cabbage.
haha i love mojitos
ya and i hate cabbage
she was left over bi-product, like the hotdog of the human race
Every one of her profile pictures looks like an ad for American Apparel. Of course she has syphilis.
This can't be good. I've realized that I weigh less in the morning after I have had a blackout drunk night than when I work out and eat healthy.
She referred to her collection of sex toys as an "arsenal." I'm not sure whether to be scared or excited....
They are baked and once again have spent the last 45 mins talking about opening up a world wide business called "pickle on a stick"
the sad thing is, im pretty sure she was serious about giving me head for my falafel
fact: I now appreciate my drunken winter self even more. I just found $20 in my winter coat with a note that says keep yourself warm next winter. I am awesome.
After giving a back rub to someone in the bathroom of the theater, he ripped an "employees must wash hands" sign off the wall to prove that he could and proceeded to hang it up in his house.
I just spent 10 min explaining to my mom how orange is a strange color. I think she knows
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
Just saw the mall santa roll by on a rascal scooter holding a chic-fil-a milkshake and stop to chat up trio of cute 20-somethings. New hero.
I'll give you some choices for what to get me for Christmas. 1.You naked. 2.You naked 3.You naked.
I'm developing all these feelings it's disgusting.
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
Randomize
