mom and grandma are in town. grandma wants to get drunk with you
you kept yelling something about watching the muppets chirstmas carol and trying to turn the t.v. on with your car keys
So High I just made Cadbury Coffee. I don't know what it is yet, but it involves Cadbury Eggs and coffee.
and my loofah got caught on my nipple ring in the shower today. what an awful experience.
Just passed a guy passed out on a riding lawn mower in his front yard.
If i evwr doyble fist jack daniels and smirnoff again, i hereby give you permission to take them both away grom me and give me and give me a glass of wat
I'm trying to figure if this dude sitting in his car with the door open is dead or just sleeping. Someone was probably wondering the same thing bout me 20 minutes ago. Your meeting is taking a ridiculous amount of time.
Living room floor. I asked him to give me a back rub. He did. And smoothly transitioned that to foreplay, then basically threw me on the floor. My vagina hurts. He deserves another Christmas present.
I guess I look like the kind of girl who would buy edible, weed-infused lube.
Lost feeling in my face, my shoe and had a nose bleed. That's not wings. Fuck red bull.
I would rather her be sleeping with someone new than getting to go Harry Potter world before me...
Pretty sure my boss knows there's Jack smell coming out of my pores right now... He just gave me a look...
So congratulations, your penis has now sent me to urgent care not once, but twice!
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
I felt the need to set off fireworks in the living room while they were having sex upstairs. Yes, they quieted down.
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