but i have a bet that her boyfriend is going to try and deflower her tonight so i better get a move on if i want to videotape it
He came all over my face... then said "YOU HAVE BEEN ROBBED!"
What's this douchebags name?
Rob...
That's a really weird place to spoon. Especially if there are more accessible places to spoon. Like a bathtub.
I have this strange craving to see a really fat person go down a slipnslide
I don't think he wanted to hear that my most serious relationship was my 1 1/2 year fuck buddy... I think he figured out that's where he's heading
I just wanted to clarify that I am not bisexual and had no intentions of ACTUALLY penetrating my roommate with a can of bugspray.
You can't possibly imagine how much I miss you. At least I'll always have that hidden folder in my computer.
When I take mushrooms I can feel your presence down there. I can feel where Africa is too.
When i sexted him a pic of my boobs I was worried he was going to notice the dorito crumbs and know I was just eating topless
I need to stop getting high and watching documentaries. Wanna go to Japan with me and protest the mass genocide of dolphins?
You drunk? Cause I have a terrible idea...
He told me he was cooking me a special dinner tonight. His "five star meal" was popcorn in champagne glasses, and chic fil a sauce in jello shot containers to dip the popcorn in. He still tries to convince me he doesn't smoke weed anymore.
its hard to say precisely how it happened, but the next thing i knew i was on top of a mountain
Great, now I'm picturing myself as a fucking garden gnome
Omg I just looked in my purse from last night.. 10 bags of gummy bears.
Randomize
