I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
i just realized that fran drescher is the 90's version of a guidette.
I sharted in my sleep... I didnt even think that was possible.
Im so hungover that my 6 year old cousine made me aspirine and coffee out of playdoh...
She's been drinking and was roller blading. I'm sure you can do the math
FACT: the parking lot attendant was yelling "NO SEX HERE! NO SEX" at yall.
I will be naked everywhere
I'm tired of being known as the Great Giver Goddess of the Almighty Pity Bone.
There are grandparents doing keg stands I don't know
I think he might be using me for sex. I also think I might be ok with that.
NO I WILL NOT SET YOU UP WITH MY TWIN WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU?!? JUST BECAUSE I WONT BLOW YOU DOESNT MEAN YOU CAN STALK HER AS A BACKUP PLAN YOU SPANISH BASTARD
I feel like I should have held a press conference. The state of my vagina
I just had the polyamorous Canadian hockey player do the splits while naked in a handstand at my apartment just now. And yes, I know it’s 1:30am on a Thursday.
You kissed my hand and then put a Taco in it. Why WOUDNT I leave my husband?
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