Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
And he showed us your test. You wrote what is this shit and scribbled on it? Nice 3%..
He introduced me to his parents as the girl he made out with on Thursday night...
drunk me just left notes all around the apt to remind shitfaced me that i have mashed potatoes in the fridge. do not take them down if you come home before me.
he was holding the bottle like a running back yelling for security and the national guard as he was being tackled
The walk home from the bar is FAR more shameful in daylight.
Is it going to be one of those nights where I shouldn't wear my contacts so everyone looks more attractive?
I just used FaceTime as a look out while I got a blowjob in the library
TONGUES ARE JUST MEAT TENTACLES IN OUR MOUTHS OMG
HOW ABOUT I DON'T WAKE UP TO THESE TYPES OF TEXTS
Just sent my cousin to buy me a new bra cause mine is zip tied to a bar in the middle of nowhere Iowa
i think i just encouraged him to glue googly eyes to my boobs
I've never been so tempted to check my phone during sex in my life.
Mom and dad should be so proud half of their children have gotten naked in the same local grocery store
Would I be a horrible mom if I got a babysitter at 6am so I could go get laid.
condom fairy costume came in handy...we were making out in my living room and he wanted it so i took a condom off the costume and we did it right there...with my tutu still on....
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