On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
This girl told me I had the balls of an infant..I replied by saying her vagina looks like Stargate.
She has 2500 facebook friends. I probably should have used a condom.
i think its awesome that according to your mom i'm your friend that caught on fire.
Remember the 3 things that are off limits? They're fair game if you get here in the next 5 minutes
...i'd have to set their sheets on fire.
SOS. HE HAS PASSED OUT AND IS LYING ON TOP OF ME. HE IS STILL INSIDE. HELP
It sounded like he said "don't stop" but all I could hear were his balls.
Holy. Crap. I just found a hickey on my bikini line. He never got my pants off. WHO IS THIS MYSTICAL HOOKUP WIZARD?
You can fuck me but I'm keeping my parka on.
His gf just liked my changed relationship status. She's gonna shit bricks when she finds out he left her for me. Bless her little heart.
MY GOD DAMN TV STOPS WORKING EVERY TIME I AM THIS FUCKING HIGH. WHY MUST IT TORMENT ME?!
I passed out drunk in her bed. Her boyfriend showed up and told me to go to the other room or we were gonna have a threesome. I threw up off the side of her bed and left. I feel like that was an adequate response.
I got arrested in a leprechaun onesie
Oh god establish a safe word
I'm going to! Pineapple.
Randomize
