i was so high it looked like the chipmunks movements were coordinated to that lady gaga song
you decided to have a spaghetti fight but then you got greedy and decided to eat it all.
Just farted cum and thought I shit myself. Crisis averted tho
Can we have fireworks this year or will the ocean explode?
a girl just walked by me crying on the phone saying, "all I ever do is menstruate"
You screamed for campus security to do something about the police officer who dumping ur 40
fact: I now appreciate my drunken winter self even more. I just found $20 in my winter coat with a note that says keep yourself warm next winter. I am awesome.
Yeah, clearly. And then we can float around my room on Christmas themed inner tubes. And drink, I guess.
Nope. He totaled my car then moved back to Louisiana to work things out with baby mama. I sure know how to pick em
I don't know, Alex. I don't know. I lost my keys, my debit card, my makeup bag, broke my purse, had to have someone cut my shoe off, I have no idea where my costume is. I woke up next to the biggest douchebag I know and made out with this other guy while SIMULTANEOUSLY talking on the phone to the guy I'm talking to...
I literally paid cover, got kicked out. Tried to explain that I was just clumsy, but mispronounced it. Then I got pissed off, stormed out..and clotheslined myself on a velvet rope. How was your night?
Oh, and one of the worst parts... his name was Mario. I fucked a Nintendo character.
Dude I'm hungover as fuck in a bed in Baltimore with another man... I don't think I can make it.
I'm covered in bite marks and have a cracked rib - was a good weekend
He flipped a shopping cart in the back room and had to leave to make a jazz playlist. If we aren't in love then i don't know what love is.
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