I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
So someone hacked my email and facebook and posted a boob pic I took a few years ago as my profile picture. I feel like an MTV commercial.
Tell me you remember me getting a tampon from the girl throwing up in the next stall
I'm functioning at the level of a challenged walrus.
If I am going to pay someone to make me puke, it's going to be the bartender.
I have 20 seconds to get my life together and look presentable.
I met her dad while holding 4 empty beer bottles at the opera house. I think I made a hell of an impression.
I believe I won the Golden Vodka Bottle of sadness last night for crying while being party boyed.
Was that your vagina? Received a text pic from a number I didn't recognize. Shaved, so no hair color cues. But it looked like your lips.
The things i do for you...I put all those condoms on a bed, complete with girl, and you sleep in the bathroom
You were pouring Patron into the window of the squad car trying to get the police dog to drink it
So thats why that cop beat my ass?
Probably
Well, I made it thru a doorway, so I think things are going good.
Just realized I'm going to have to make you sign a non-disclosure agreement before my wedding.
I saw a shooting star while he was eating me out at 3am by my neighbors pool. Doesn't get more magical than that
i woke up on the third floor, naked in a closet.
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