DUDE. I'm missing my big toenail. My bed has blood all over it. WHAT DID WE DO LAST NIGHT?
I don't know, but I chipped my tooth and I'm wearing different underwear.
even after i explained my bobby knight costume the bartender still kicked me out for throwing the chair
It's alarming how good I'm getting at being productive at work on Thursday after Johnny Walker Wednesdays.
FYI angry masturbation is not as cool angry sex
I shouldn't have to say "get your balls off my counter" on a Wednesday.
She showed me her tits and my first thought was "I want these to feed my future children." I'm scared.
Paris has not been good for her. Everytime she has a one night stand from a different country, she buys a mini flag and tapes it to her wall with the others
If you die first, I'm going to sleep with a pallbearer at your funeral.
I miss yesterday.Today's hangover makes yesterday's look like a little girl with blonde ringlets playing hopscotch in the street with a ginger kitten.
You could woo kevin with a boquet of breakfast burritos. He loves those burritos. You could use the hot sauce packets like babies breathe
I accidently sent a dick pic to the group chat with her family. Right after they all said it was a pleasure having me for dinner. Wana drink with me?
I know its 2 in the morning and everything. But i just straight up yelled "DON'T YOU UNDERSTAND THIS WORLD IS DIFFICULT ENOUGH AS IT IS WITHOUT YOU PULLING THIS BULLSHIT ON ME" to my taco. Because it fell apart on me. I think i might be cracking under this finals pressure.
can we not speak foreign languages when I'm on drugs
I am afraid of asking him for his new number so I continue to text the one that's no longer in service.
Whose house did we sneak into and play beer pong for 4 hours at last night?
I honestly have no idea
Randomize
