masturbating is 5million times harder to finish knowing grandma is in the guestroom downstairs. just so you know.
you make it seem like sunflower seeds and pinot grigio are not in the food pyramid.
You going out tonight?
No I am at the hospital. Throwing up blood is apparently frowned upon.
He did plead exhaustion. And I made him push through it. I am like the motherfucking badass football coach of sex.
The thing is that despite the high paying career and the increased responsibility, my life hasn't changed that much. Only instead of blacking out on $2 wells at some dive I blackout on top shelf martinis in a suit. Oh and only on Fri & Sat nights. Being 30 doesn't suck as bad as everyone led me to believe.
Worst decision of artistic career thus far: bringing a banana to eat on male model day.
Correction... Drunk on winter break. There are no days of the week on break.
i really need to shower, but i don't want to take off my bra and lose my cleavage. the struggle
We were having sex and my nose just started pouring blood. He reached down to the floor, grabbed a sock and held it to my nose. He just kept pounding away like nothing was happening.
He came to my Harry Potter marathon wearing a Hogwarts uniform. Of course I fucked him.
When you wake up, I have a unicorn coloring book, crayons, mini cupcakes, and booze.
Also I'd apologize for texting you flipping my shit about the science of hair growth while I was shrooming last night but we know each other better than that
We got cut off at a bar at 4pm. We aren't human
She super glued his penis to his testicles. And shaved off a good portion of his hair after he passed out at the party.
I’m really upset they canceled the conference. Since the divorce I’ve been working out, I bought cute new outfits and even found a bikini I liked. Now it’s all online. You can’t get laid at a webinar
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