Words of wisdom-never eat a peanut-butter covered banana on a construction site ever again
So i got in my car, the seats are leaned back, and soft soul music is playing. Wtf happened last night.
TRUE LIFE: my roommate is growing a bush.
better yet, TRUE LIFE: my roommates boyfriend begged her to grow a bush.
Do you know how hard it is to masturbate with a runny nose?
The freshman next to me just said "I was rocking out on my way here to Dave Matthews..." I wish I would have passed this class the first time.
I hate when people see you passed out in your front yard and call 911. Like what, you can't take a nap face down on your steps at 4pm?
Big girls don't cry they get day drunk
Wellp yesterday was spent absurdly hungover and today was spent in planned parenthood so I hope that's not an indication of the year to come
I lowered my expectations when he started off saying "ah missionary, my specialty"
I'm by myself. some Midwest chick is hitting on me because I gave her a deviled egg. I need the distraction.
Usually it's tequila, or vodka. But today was just the devil
She abandoned me on the doorstep of her hostel. Turns out you can't bring one night stands into those places. Slept in a train station next to a tramp. He gave me chips. And didn't steal my shit while I slept. So I'm counting this one as a win
like I'd leave you in a situation like that..pfft. what kinda friend do you think I am?
...a stoned one.
You're a disaster
Wanna date?
I was pretty pissed in the morning when I realized he had fucked the fake tattoo right off my chest.
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